The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
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Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.