The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
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I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.