The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
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Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.