The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
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judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Sunday
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter