The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.

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Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.


Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”


I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.


What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?


ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.

RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air



Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.


Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.


corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”


People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.


*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?