The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
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My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Just how popey was the pope today?
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula