@SexytotheNorth

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.

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@Smug_Lemur

Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT

@jonnysun

ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT

@hookmeupinit

Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive

@WetMascara

No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.

Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.

@GreenishDuck

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

@SirEviscerate

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

@itsBABYSMITH

sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests

@WilliamAder

We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.

@vodkatext

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

@JakeDuarte43

Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂