Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
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ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂