[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
You Might Also Like
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.