The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
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If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.