The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
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I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?