Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[car accident]

Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!

Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?

[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”

I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk

The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]

At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.

Walgreens guy: You still need to leave

Scientists: we have invented healthy food

Me: are you sure it’s healthy

Scientists: …no

Me: are you sure it’s food

Scientists: …no

I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!

I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat

ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.

BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-

[wall breaks down]

SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY

BATMAN: No.

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.

[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore

Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.

I have a great story to tell u.

“Why don’t u just go write a book”

Wow, that’s-

“Don’t u dare say it-”

a novel idea.

“I’m moving out”

some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione

Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.

I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit

I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called

If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.

I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.