The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
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Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.