The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
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If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
And bowling should be called pinball
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no