The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”

You Might Also Like


I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.


If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.


I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.


HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted

HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?

HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?


Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.


*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?


[At the job interview]

“Why did you leave your last job?”

“They took a vote.”


I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.


Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.


No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.