The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
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*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Good morning!
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
water it, i dare you
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.