@valerie_tosi

The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”

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@sweetcrazyweird

I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.

@NurseMurderer

If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.

@SlappNuttz

I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.

@daemonic3

HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted

HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?

HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?

@ceejoyner

Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.

@iwearaonesie

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

@thrill_tweeter

[At the job interview]

“Why did you leave your last job?”

“They took a vote.”

@KentWGraham

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

@TopherKearby

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

@LurkAtHomeMom

No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.