The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”

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oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed


fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank


Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?


Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or


<gets on elevator >

Pushes all the buttons

Hugs everyone

Prays out loud that we’re not going to die

Gets off at the 2nd floor



i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds


[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*


Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex


Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE