@bdjansenphd oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
@valerie_tosi The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
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@bdjansenphd 
@TheHyyyype fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
@daemonic3 Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
@ArfMeasures Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
@AtticusFinch79 <gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
@piper_itup i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
@NoticablyBacon Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
@CrapLocalNews Breaking news:
@iwearaonesie Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE