@SirEviscerate

The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.

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@Havish_AF

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.

@thisislizz

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.

@wokkax3

Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday. You fucking cry on the clock. Don’t let capitalism win.

@JonAcuff

You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.

@CallousBalzac

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*

@HatfieldAnne

If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.

@E_lok44

I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers

@electrolemon

yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose

@ElenaChainHelp1

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.