The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.

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-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.


The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.


Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday. You fucking cry on the clock. Don’t let capitalism win.


You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.


[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*


If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.


I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers


yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose


I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.