The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
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I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement