The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
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“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
When you let grandma cat sit
I feel this so hard
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Me, after a minor inconvenience: