the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
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I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
C R E
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
It’s so fucking annoying when someone keeps talking after I have interrupted them.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage