the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
You Might Also Like
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
This headline is a thing of beauty
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude