the cia shot me with their diarrhea gun
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Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Only a mother’s love …
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’