the clam before the storm
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I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.