The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
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7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
this is literally a CIA plant
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print