The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
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Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone