The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
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Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
I cannot call her anything else now
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
I’d love this…lol
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll