the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
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If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
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90Me: Nailed it.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.