The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
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My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.