@dance_blessed

The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.

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@KimmyMonte

{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?

@SortaBad

*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”

@Smooheed

Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English

@SortaBad

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

@BigJDubz

In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it

@graceupongracie

Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude

@thenoahkinsey

Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.

@_wangwe

This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.