The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
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If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
I know this now 😂
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.