The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
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Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*