The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
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“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
won’t smith
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
lmao
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”