The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
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Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
What is going on? 😅
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like