The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
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My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.