The Compass
You Might Also Like
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
This dude got his own movie?
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.