the composer
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who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
*looks at you in batman voice*
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.