the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?

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Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.


Note: *coughs*


At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!


[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?


When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat


me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store

florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter


“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”


*ring bearer vomits*


[job interview]

HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo


she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”

uh you pretty much described my fantasy


[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.