the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
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Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree