Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
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At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.