The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
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If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
No laws when master is gone
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.