The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
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Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?