the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
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In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine