The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
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When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Ferrari squats
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.