the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit

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WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.


Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.


I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.


People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?


I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.


Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.


Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.


Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.

You should be fine, though.


Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point


My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂