The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
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The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.