@JB4Realz “Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
@FilmsWeWant The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
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@JB4Realz 
@AimeeHelene1 DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
@CrispinBurke Huge, if true.
@girlontapas People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
@ArfMeasures Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
@coolfunnytshirt Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
@andallya *kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
@KeetPotato [friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
@Love_bug1016 I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
@ElKnuckelhombre Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.