The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
My therapist after every session
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
