The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
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an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
mom gave me mine for free
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
no one likes gloating