The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
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I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?