@patnspankme

The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.

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@TravLeBlanc

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

@SortaBad

Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’

@Parkerlawyer

“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”

New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”

@brennadine

[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT

@imteddybless

a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions

@PeaceInTruth1

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

@KentWGraham

The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.

@ceejoyner

Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”