the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
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where the womens at?
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY