One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
@PeychoKanev The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
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@ElKnuckelhombre Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
@fluffysuse There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
@Beerbastard69 Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
@AbbyHasIssues I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
@MelKassel *pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
@Rollmaninoz [date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
@audipenny person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
@KalvinMacleod I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
@dubstep4dads “hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*