One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
ok I need you to step out of the car
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
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Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*