The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
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Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest