@pdxjohnny99

The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.

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@gingerbrigade1

Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.

@TheToddWilliams

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

@IamEveryDayPpl

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

@StruggleDisplay

Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children

@WheelTod

[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”

@DirtMcTurd

If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder

@TheAlexNevil

Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.

@Playing_Dad

“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.