The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
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Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Nice try, poison.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
we did it you guys we saved daylight
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.