The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
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My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Extremely relatable.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.