@weinerdog4life

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

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@Staggfilms

It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.

@FunInternetGuy

*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them

@SortaBad

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

@mrtruthandsoul

If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.

@RidiculousSheri

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

@whatsJo

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

@the_kizzle

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

@WittySassBasket

I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.