@weinerdog4life

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

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@RunwayDan

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

@TheCatWhisprer

[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*

@Lufty

My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled

@MacDicksonShow

Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.

@Mom_Overboard

Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*

Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?

Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR

@JesseFernandez

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.

@Angibangie

To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.

@NoticablyBacon

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

@traciebreaux

I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE

@RodLacroix

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola