@weinerdog4life

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

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@causticbob

USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about

@Alex_N_Chains

Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.

@XplodingUnicorn

When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.

@inojperez

“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.

@TEXASVETERAN

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

@NYC_Blonde

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

@thedad

Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

@Aikiwomannc

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

@Book_Krazy

So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.

Nolege is power biches!

@Reverend_Scott

“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots