@weinerdog4life

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

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@AClkwrkStarfish

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

@Gorrdano

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

@iAmDelFreaky

Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.

I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.

I have diarrhea.

@mrt1m

I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.

@Token_Geezer

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

@Jez1

What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.

@huge_mclarge

as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit

@sbellelauren

whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work

@robyn_vo

I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.