The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
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*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)