the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
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It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Yup
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
why would tinder want me to say this
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!