The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
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It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin