The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
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Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
📽️movie date🎞️
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”